First of all, thank you for providing the context of the translation question. Your grammar is not bad at all! Here's the translation I offer: "Fin kril muz drey ni krii dovahhe, fin kril muz bo nau niin."

- You use "fin" unless your going to give something a proper name

- "Jul" is used for "man" in general while "muz" is the plural of "man". The quote reference specific men, so "muz" is more appropriate.